New Senior Already Can’t Wait to be a Douche on Gus Bus

SAINT PETER, MN — Another school year is in session, bringing with it a fresh new crop of overzealous, overworked, overconfident rising seniors. Despite the looming fear of adulthood, many seniors opt to thoroughly reap every benefit of being a senior on campus.

Seniors are finally privy to the royalty of seniority, giving them the ability to seemingly say and do whatever and whoever they want with little to no repercussions. This notion is especially popular on Friday and Saturday nights aboard the infamous Gus Bus.

“Dude, the Gus Bus is the real f*ckin’ M-V-P. If you’re not going to the f*ckin’ bars, get the f*ck out!” Senior Brad “Bones” Boone shouted with a fist pump.

Bones is best known around campus for his 4-second chug and distaste for anyone younger than him. “Freshmen are stupid. Seniors, yo, that’s where it’s at. I remember my freshmen year, man. Not f*ckin’ worth it,” said Bones.

What started out as a way to safely escort students on and off campus during the weekend, quickly became a rowdy party bus, especially popular in bringing upperclassmen to and from the bars. Although many underclassmen ride the Gus Bus, seniors have become increasingly infamous for their cocky, drunk and disorderly behavior towards freshmen. According to a majority of sources, Bones best embodies the Gus Bus senior stereotype.

“Yo, I plan to stand at the f*ckin’ door of the bus. If you’re not a hot chick or my bud, you’re f*ckin’ walking,” Bones huffed between swallows of beer. “F*ck St. Thomas!”

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS