SAINT PETER, MN — Following a slew of squirrel-related disappearances, Campus Safety Director Song Biermacher has officially warned the greater St. Peter community about a fledgling animal cult starting on-campus.
“It’s most defs a cult,” sophomore Jordan Strewpinsky said. “I thought I was going to a bangin’ house party, but I was wrong on two accounts. First, they put some weird robe on me, made me drink some stuff, and then they slit the throat of rabbit. But, things didn’t seem weird to me until I left and figured out that I had been in Prairie View the entire time.”
“I’ve totally been trying to reroute any possible cult-like practices,” said Prairie View CF junior Kartus Magnem. “My dudes are friendly, they’re just a bit on the wild side! Cultish shmultish, they’re just having a good time with absolutely no substances at all. Completely free. I promise. They just want to cook for themselves.”
“We’re not just about animal sacrifice, but rather community bonding, animal spirit liberation, and culinary inquiry,” said sophomore Steven Reading, now better known as “Cult Leader Steve”. “I know we sound outlandish, but seriously, all of our members love it!”
Cult Leader Steve’s roommate, sophomore Carl Greggory, referred to the cult as “off-putting”. “I mean, not like in the animal sacrificing bit, that’s totally not that bad. It’s the fact that they didn’t even think to clean up the kitchen sink! How am I supposed to turn the remnants into blood pudding if they don’t even organize them like I asked!”
The Campus Safety Office is asking all students to please be alert to any disappearances of overly large squirrels. Any and all inquiries about joining the potential cult should be directed towards the entire building of Prairie View.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS