CAMPUS NEWS

Senior Enters Homecoming Coma Shortly After Awaking from Nobel Coma

SAINT PETER, MN — Just a few days after awaking from a rigorous acadamia and alcohol induced “sleep coma”, senior biology major Gavin Rhodes re-entered his coma-like state early Sunday morning following two days of celebrating Gustavus’ 2016 Homecoming. He is expected to stay there until around his 1:30 PM bio class Monday afternoon.

“He’s been in a coma for around 60% of the week,” said Rhodes’ roommate senior Jack Harmon. “I don’t mean like a real coma, but the state of living that involves him just watching Netflix, eating soup and grunting at me in some sad form of communication.”

Rhodes’ professors noted that he did not attend his classes on Thursday or Friday, which is behavior typical of an individual who loves lengthy academic conferences and weekday deals at small town bars.

“Of course it is disappointing that Gavin was not in class, but we had a wonderful Nobel conference and if you get to Patty’s before 11 PM on a weekday night, buff chips are only $3. It’s hard to compete with things like that,” said Cancer Biology professor Helen Vogel.

“I think, for the most part, Gavin had a great time. The only time I saw him somewhat disappointed was when he realized the school hadn’t brought back that giant Titanic themed inflatable slide,” said Harmon. “I still can’t believe the school let Nobel and Homecoming take place in the same week. That just feels wrong.”

For obvious reasons, Rhodes was unavailable for comment.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS