Aries (March 21-April 19)
Oh boy. This was a tough one. After consulting a staff of well trained oracles and google, the universe has decided the choices you make this will not really have an impact. I mean will it make a difference if you show up late to work or let your electric bill slide for a while longer? Maybe. Maybe not. But in actuality, the universe feels you are being a little too clingy and taking our advice for granted. It is best if we have some space. Please don’t send anymore texts.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The only thing you want in life is a little security. Ever since the universe advised you to invest in the stock market just months because the Great Recession back in ‘08, you haven’t taken any risks. But you have to trust us on this one, invest big on the 23rd! In what you may ask? If we gave you all the answers it would be too easy. But come on. Just throw a little cash here and there and maybe you’ll get that one way ticket out of your parents basement!
Gemini (May 21- June 20)
The month of September will be a lonely one, Gemini. You are used to living up to the “twins” representation of your star sign, but ever since you had that growth removed from your back, you don’t have anyone to talk to. Your little friend, kicked to the curb! Don’t fret! On the 25th, it will begin to grow back and you can work to repair any interpersonal damage. And who knows, maybe this reunion will spice up your love life! Good luck!
Cancer (June 21- July 22)
It is known that your sign is represented by the crab. The universe understands that giving all those born under this sign literal crab claws makes your life a little difficult. Lucky for you, we reorganized some stars and changed a few gravitational pulls so now the end of October is sure to be filled with all the riches your little crab heart desires.
Leo (July 23- August 22)
You are still feeling proud of past accomplishments. It’s not everyday someone from your Leo breed wins an Oscar! The good news is that this optimistic ship is practically unsinkable. The bad news is that on the 30th your closest advisor will literally stab you in the back! Oh no! Who would have thought this October would turn into a bummer.
Virgo (August 23- Sep 22)
Virgo? More like Virg-NO. You’ve spent months sharpening your swords and perfecting your combat skills, but it looks like your mighty quest to bring freedom to the people of your kingdom is met with a mighty defeat. But be patient my Virgo child for a sign represented by a virgin will not stay a virgin. One must trust the universe, for this week is sure to deliver.
Libra (Sep 23- Oct 22)
Libra, my brah. You gotta listen up and raise your cup and make the jump. You see September will feel like it is over soon and you only got one shot to make that special someone swoon. So drop that harpoon, you baboon. The universe just lifted that single curse so reach into your purse. Swipe righ’. Swipe righ’. Swip righ’. Tinder will bring you that winner… on the 28th or so…yo.
(Oct 23- Nov 21) Is that aggressive and perpetual global warming we feel, or is that your career on a hot streak? The universe was right, changing the font on your powerpoint presentation before the big meeting at work was just enough to nail that promotion. Now that all the hard work is done, listen to the three moons over Jupiter this month and blow your big raise on something special like a road trip, a new sofa, or a California Psychic reading for only $1 a minute!
Sagittarius (Nov 22- Dec 21)
Sagittarius. Sagittarius. Sagittarius. God your name sounds gross in the universe’s mouth. Blek. Your personality sort of makes up for it. If we had to make a suggestion, it seems like your bank account is looking a little light. Spend some time updating your resume,Sagittarius, and invest in your career goals. Make sure to dot your i’s and cross your t’s because lord knows Sagittarius has far too many.
Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19)
Capricorn, you tend to be the more disciplined sign but now the universe is starting to second guess that predetermined and totally not inherited or learned trait. We saw the shit you pulled at the end of last month and now on the 21st expect that certain someone to hit you with revenge. Jupiter is disappointed, Neptune is disappointed, even the damn sun is disappointed.
Aquarius (Jan 20- Feb 18
This month has an extended Mars transit, and combined with Chiron in direct motion it can only mean one thing- that when you factor in Mercury being 3.7°N of Aldebaran on the 19th (which is supposed have a high of 104° in Las Vegas), you’re going to be paralyzed this week. With fear? Within your relationships? In a literal sense? We’re not really sure, this isn’t an exact science. We’ll send a card.
Pisces (Feb 19- March 20)
This October Neptune is in 37 degrees retrograde with a chance of evening showers. Uh-oh. You for sure thought after riding the bumpy waves in May and taking the star’s’ advice to look inside your crush’s window every night would pay off in the long run. The universe has news for you, Pisces, it is time you start thinking for yourself. Take a look in the mirror at your reflection and see how your disgusting scales glimmer. Each one is special to you, now take a leap of faith and prove it is special to the world.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS