SAINT PETER, MN — During a week in which multiple greek organizations are being investigated for a range of issues related to their pledge processes, various administrative and campus groups have come to the realization that the Kick-Out Hazing kickball game did not yield the results it was designed to.

Many campus leaders, students and faculty alike, have been forced to reconcile with the fact that a game most often associated with elementary school recess failed to change the nationally established culture surrounding greek life. One of these individuals was junior SAC member Russell Sanders. “I mean what kind of sick world do we live in when a good old kickball game can’t chase away the evils of society? This is bad news, man,” said Sanders.

As the investigations into these organizations progress, many have questioned what could take the place of the failed anti-hazing kickball game. “Maybe we could do a take-down hazing tetherball tourney, that sounds like a good one. Hey, what about fuck hazing foursquare?” said senior president of the Inter-Greek Council Samantha Harris.

“This is a tough spot to be in,” said Student Organization supervisor Nigel Vickers. “To see such a beloved game betray those who put their trust in its ability to eliminate an unfortunate and  hard-to-define systemic norm. How do we proceed? Is there any hope left now? I don’t think so.”