ST. PETER, MN — Now a fourth of the way through the year, the pressures of graduation are beginning to set in on the senior class. Studies now suggest that with the stress of reality looming over their heads, seniors have begun to direct their efforts to more proactive endeavors: heavily drinking. In fact, it is now estimated that some seniors are spending 50% of their time looking for a job, while spending the other 50% of the time sleeping in vomit.
“My roommates and I made up this game where we chug a beer for every job we apply to, and drink three for every job offer we don’t get,” senior Jake Jackson said with a shrug, completely illustrating the various studies’ findings. “We’ve spent most of our nights pretty fucking drunk, but at least we’re trying.”
Many seniors have changed their drinking habits in order to accommodate a more realistic lifestyle. While this may sound responsible in theory, experts suggest they are simply experimenting with functional alcoholism.
“I figure if I go to enough classes drunk, people will just think that’s what I’m like soberly,” Jackson said, slurring the last few words of the sentence, which perfectly describes the expert’s’ theory.
Despite the mild alcoholism, students remain exceptionally optimistic in the face of the real world’s efforts to bring them down. “I found out last week that I got my dream job, so I got drunk on tequila, cried myself to sleep and woke up naked in my boyfriend’s puke,” senior Annie Bates said, who has been cited as an inspiration to her peers.
“I love what Annie has accomplished. She is my hero,” said senior Claire Lafferty. “I don’t have a boyfriend or a job, but I still wake up in my puke from time to time. So, we’re not too different, her and I.”
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