CAMPUS NEWS

Fourth Crown Writer Humiliated After Writing Non-Satirical News Story

ST.PETER–Turmoil has struck in the Fourth Crown Office (various apartments/dorms across campus) after one of the writers created a non-satirical news article titled “Donald Trump is running for president.” Keeping with Fourth Crown practice, however, the author is remaining anonymous.

Productivity has ground to a halt as writers have accused others of writing the non-satirical piece. “I know that I didn’t write it,” said one of the staff members. “But I don’t know if [Editors Note: Names have been removed to retain anonymity.] is in the clear,” He/She/They continued.

The offices have turned into war zones, as members of the firmly satirical publication turn against each other. “I’m suspicious of pretty much everyone else,” one author said, “And I’m not letting anyone near my dogs.”

“We have to figure out who wrote this,” an editor-in-chief said. “Everyone put some blood on this plate, and I’ll burn it to see if a creature comes out and then we know who wrote the article.”

“Good god, this isn’t John Fucking Carpenter’s 1982 remake of The Thing,” another writer claims, “I think.”

Another development occurred when one of the writers turned into a hell-beast, “Yeah, someone just yelled ‘Aaiiieeeee,’ as he/she/they turned into a multi-headed beast hopped on out of here. So I think we have a good suspect in mind for who wrote that mildly informative piece,” the editor-in-chief disclosed.

With flamethrowers in tow, the rest of the office is now hunting down a non-satirical demon author, who suspiciously looks increasingly like a writer for The Gustavian Weekly.

“This may be the final piece written, if the hunt goes south for the brave men/women/people of The Fourth Crown,” said demon expert Meredith Van Helsing,  the great-daughter of the famous monster hunter, Abe Van Helsing. “This is a formidable beast they are facing.”

More info will be released as it become available.   

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS