CAMPUS NEWS

Nation Elects Giant Pile of Cold-Hearted White Garbage

WASHINGTON – In an unprecedented fashion, the United States of America has decided that, for the first time in its history, a giant white douche-lord shall be the leader of the free world. The move comes after years of relative to massive social progress for many minorities and is being recognized as a step in the right direction for those who wish to see straight white people make the same amount of progress as well.

“Whites just don’t have it good enough. I mean look at what all those minorities have accomplished in just the past few years? We should be accomplishing much more than them,” said white race analyst Randy Wickers of Jamestown, Florida.

Additionally, the large white blowhard won an election over a woman who seemingly was a perfect candidate for the Presidency, despite her lack of properly understanding how email works and her possession of a vagina.

“Yup, her vagina really hurt her on this one. I told you it would,” said gender specialist Garth Coleman of Dixon, Pennsylvania.

In the wake of the election results, many reportedly have no idea what to do with themselves after such a disturbing loss for the majority of the popular vote. However, some are able to offer their advice.

“We can mourn and be in shock now, but by the end of the day we need to be back at working to make the country and world a better place. We can reflect on what we think we may have lost, but be comforted by the fact that we’re still able to fight for what we believe in. Now that we’ve seen the bad, we have to be willing to do what is necessary to make what is good happen. We can’t hide. It sounds hard, but we can do it together. Together we’re stronger,” said generally good person senior Rosa Martin of Gustavus Adolphus College.

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