CAMPUS NEWS

Becky Bergman Earns $4 Million for School While Panhandling

SAINT PETER, MN — During the highly successful Panhandling Day, Gustavus President Becky Bergman earned an astounding $4 million dollars. At this point it is unclear as to where the money came from, be it Bergman herself or thousands of possible independent donors. What is known, however, is that the money will be delivered in millions of small donations ranging from eight cents to three dollars and sixty cents.

“I’m proud of the money I was able to donate,” said Bergman. “Obviously, this day is hugely important to us Gusties and it will hopefully transition us into a period of great development. This day also shows us all how well I can rock this funky late 80’s track jacket.”

Berman’s donation was easily the largest of the day. She easily surpassed sophomore Tyler Goreman’s, the second place donor, contribution. “I mean I gave a solid four-and-a-half dollars. That’s pretty damn good. She didn’t have to literally multiply my donation by literally a million,” said a visibly frustrated Goreman.   

After including Bergman’s donation, the total income from Panhandling day has reached a healthy figure of $4,045,210.58. This is the most amount of money raised for the school in recent memory. This will led to a variety of speculations as to what the money will be used for. But, Ohle-era forecasters are already projecting another, larger tornado statue.   

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