CAMPUS NEWS

COMMENTARY: Thanksgiving Would Be Better With Muskets

Alexandria, MN–Thanksgiving is always a time of high tension and family complaints. My family in particular divides itself on white meat or dark meat, cranberry or orange juice, Pats or Broncos, and whether or not Whites are the dominant race in the World.

Now bear in mind it’s not a racist thing. No way. My uncle from upstate New York just is a bit misinformed about the workings of the world. He likes to talk about how hardworking white people are somehow privileged. Somehow they are born a leg up because, what, they have jobs? It’s total BS that the liberal cucks came up with to make us Rust Belters feel insufficient in life. This brings me to my main point: Thanksgiving would be better if there were more muskets.

When the musket was first introduced in the world by Europeans, it served as a noble, elegant way of solving disagreements. Then eventually muskets became Glocks and Glocks gave way to black-on-black gang violence over drugs and stuff, and here we are. If I brought out my musket at Thanksgiving, instead of locking it in my gun case, then I’m sure that these disagreements would come to a much more nuanced head.

Instead of arguing and then sleeping while the ‘Skins play the Pats, we could step outside and clock off a few charges to see who the real survivor is. And if you don’t bring your own musket, that’s too bad. Then in time, those of us with muskets could all come together. We could wear similar clothing to show that we aren’t racist…a color that symbolizes how we simply don’t see color…like Grey! We would wear Grey, march around together with our muskets, while those hooty-fruit-tootsers would put on their Democratically themed Blue Coats and run around in their fancy trains to their fancy textile factories.

Then General Robert E. Lee would show up and then General Picket and Burnsides themselves. Finally, when the Yanks show up to Gettysburg we can all fight for 3 days before the Minnesota regiment turns the tide of the battle and the Confederate States of America pull out of Gettysburg, never to go on the offensive in the American Civil War ever again.

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