CAMPUS NEWS

Scumbag Uncles Gear Up for the Big Day

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — As Thanksgiving closes in, millions of gross uncles are preparing for what will inevitably be one hell of a performance at the dinner table. After a year as volatile as 2016, many expect the election to be the main source of family grievances, but a good portion of these men will be unwilling to settle for such low-hanging fruit.

“Yes, I am happy Trump won and I will be grilling my liberal niece about why she voted for Crooked Hillary,” said Norm Granger of Springfield, Illinois. “But, I feel like I can get a lot of mileage out of just asking her intensely personal questions that make her skin crawl.”

Many uncles across the nation have taken to topically comparing their behavior to a football game. “The way I see it is like this,” said John Welch of Buxton, Missouri. “Racism and general political incorrectness is like a strong running game. Saying creepy personal things to anyone at the table is akin to the passing game. Farting and just being gross is what I like to think of as a special teams performance.”

As far as experts can analyze, 70% of the population will be exposed to a shitty uncle or two over the holiday break, but no one will have it worse over the long weekend than a visiting boyfriend.

“Oh, you bet your sweet ass I’ll be going after Tessa’s new boyfriend. That dude looks like a total cupcake,” said Pete Henderson of Charleston, Indiana.

“Yeah, Tessa told me about her creepy uncle Pete,” said Wade Johnson of Minneapolis, Minnesota. “She told me I am going to have to field a lot of terrifying questions, but, after a couple, I would at least be able to bring up the Cubs winning the World Series and things should be okay from there.”    

In fact, the Chicago Cubs and Cleveland Cavaliers have received heavy praise from tens of millions of people, fans and enemies alike, for winning their respective leagues and giving people something to talk about that isn’t so awful.

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