Orsk, Russia — Following a historical compromising of American Democracy, in which Russian computer hackers illegally spread pro-Trump propaganda throughout American social media feeds, the Russian trolling agents were excited to exploit another great staple of American freedom: Cyber Monday.
“Compromising the election was easy work,” said Peder Getzlav. “Picking up a new double-neck guitar at great savings through guitarcity.com was very difficult.”
Getzlav was even able to snag free shipping on the international package. This is a virtually unprecedented move, as cross continental shipping has long been established as a commercial constant. Getzlav’s ability capture free shipping has been praised as one of the greatest feats in hacking history, second only to the careful dismantling of the United State’s electoral process.
“Yes, I understand that ruining democracy is something of importance. Yet, look at this great guitar. It is very beautiful and comes with a complimentary case. Normally a case for a two-necked guitar would cost a lot money. Not today. Not on Cyber Monday,” said Getzlav.
Reports also indicate that Getzlav was able to hack into his cousins Amazon Prime account and walk away with a great new french press coffee maker. Unfortunately this purchase tipped him off to the feds, due to his cousin’s use of the username “HackerBabushka91”.
“Yep. We’ve seen better usernames,” said Department of Homeland Security director Harold Shields.
At the moment the Department of Homeland Security is tracking Getzlav’s purchase of a considerably marked down Calphalon pan set.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS