CAMPUS NEWS

War On Christmas! Terrorists Threaten to Cover Pews with Whoopie Cushions During C in CC

St. Peter, MN — President Berman announced on Tuesday that a threat has been made by a terrorist group on campus against this year’s Christmas in Christ Chapel. The unidentified renegades claimed that just before the Saturday night performance they will be placing some hidden dollar store whoopie cushions throughout the space in an attempt to spread embarrassment and hysteria throughout the campus.

Whoopie control advocates are pointing to these recent threats as proof that the town of St. Peter and the Gustavus Adolphus campus need more stringent whoopie restrictions such as background checks, waiting periods, and whoopie permits and registration. Minnesota is home to some of the least restrictive conceal and whoopie laws in the nation, so it comes as no surprise that the college is taking these threats very seriously.

Other students such as Gustie Greeter and local terrorist Banjamin Romer feel that these laws are coming from a positive place, but are largely ineffective. “Hey, I get it,” said Romer, “There’s a war on Christmas in this country and we’ve gotta be careful. But at the end of the day we’ve gotta ask ourselves the big question. Are we actually cutting down on illegal and dangerous whoopie activity, or are we really just hurting those law abiding and hilarious citizens who just want to whoopie in the safety and privacy of their own dorm?”

Campus safety has issued a public safety announcement to all students and faculty warning them to take precautions when sitting on campus. The 350 word emotionally charged and rambling email ended saying, “I know these might seem like desperate times, kids, but as Americans this is the price we pay for freedom- and that’s the true spirit of Christmas.”

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS