This submission is from Gustavus sophomore Anna T.
Twas the night before Christmas in Christ Chapel, when all through the campus house
Not a student was stirring, not even Cooper’s desecrated mouse.
The sacrificial squirrels were hung by PV with care,
In hopes that the campus Krampus soon would be there.
The students were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Fireball shots danced in their heads.
And the CF in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our Tinder notifications for a long winter’s nap.
When out on Eckman Mall there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my loft to see what was the matter.
Away to the screened window I flew like some dank hash,
Tore open the Walmart-grade blinds and threw up the sash.
The LED street lamp on the breast of the new-fallen slush
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects that made me gush.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the Austro-Bavarian Alpine folklore’s Krampus, oh dear.
With a little gallop here and there, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be the Krampus, woah that’s sick.
More rapid than eagles his devilish hooves carried,
And he snorted, and vomited acidic waste over the snow- now buried!
“GIVE ME YOUR INTESTINES, BITCH, OR I’LL DRAG YOU TO MY LAIR!
MY TONGUE WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL AND MAKE YOUR COMPLEXION GRAYER”
Filled with glee, I giggled and danced and oh look at my feet they began to prance
If I want to meet the campus Krampus this was my chance.
But to my dismay I came too late
For the campus Krampus had taken the souls of Phil, Jill, Johnny and even Tate.
But then I heard the Krampus exclaim, loudly and out of sight,
“HAPPY FUCKEN CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!”
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS