CAMPUS NEWS

Campus Safety Aware of Large Genitalia in Christ Chapel

SAINT PETER, MN — Following three performances and two weeks of set building, Campus Safety would like to let the general community of Gustavus know that they are aware of how vaginal the C in CC decorations appear. This statement comes after the Campus Safety office received an incredible amount of reports about the Christmas program’s ornamentation.   

“Yep, we’ve had hundreds of reports and feel as if it is our job to let you know that we are aware of the large, looming genitalia hovering above our great choir,” said Campus Safety director Song Biermacher.

While the initial reception of the 2016 C in CC has been overwhelmingly positive, many people have stated that they did at some point realize what the decoration appeared to be.

“I did notice that the decoration looked like a vagina,” said Harriet Lorris, grandmother of sophomore Joe Lorris. “I didn’t mind it, though. I think it’s good that this year’s show had a feminist theme. Lord knows we need it after 2016.”

Even the program’s performers have commentated on its adornment. “Oh, we make jokes about that every day. I can tell you some. How many vagina jokes are you allowed to publish?” said senior Peter Anderson. [Editor’s Note: none of the choir members jokes were seen fit to publish in this widely respected news source.]

Reports of young children being exposed to the embellishment are also coming forth, according to campus safety. Many parents are now having to explain sexuality and intercourse to their children.

“Did I expect to have to explain sex to Aiden after bringing him to a Christmas program? No, I did not,” said local real estate agent Pam Kuyper.

In fact, many children have been captivated by the decoration. “I didn’t know God was a girl,” said one boy. “Mom, why is what dad looks at on the internet hanging in a church?” asked another.”

Fortunately, not all children thought a vagina was floating in the chapel. “Hey, that looks like Sponge-Bob’s pineapple house,” said one exceptionally sheltered child after the Saturday evening show.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS