SAINT PETER — Following frigid temperatures, Junior Environmental Studies major, Peter Hanson publicly announced his newfound uncertainty regarding Global Warming.
“Look, it’s been cold as balls all week. It’s not called Global Colding so obviously something isn’t right here.” Hanson also expressed concerns over his major, as the basis for many of the required classes focus on mitigating the implications of climate change.
“I thought I was pretty smart, you know, for getting into this school. I really did my research, but I guess when it came to researching the merit of my major I really screwed this one up.”
Fellow members of the Environmental Studies Department, including notable faculty members, have expressed similar concerns as the legitimacy of their discipline is now under sharp scrutiny.
“I definitely have more confidence in my department during mid-May to early September when I look out of my window and I see the sun. Yet, as soon as it hits the first week of December all the way to maybe maybe March, or so, I question if I should even teach warming temperatures as more than a natural cycle” said Environmental Studies Chair Jonathan Jefferson.
Hanson expressed, “Trump said climate change was a hoax created by the Chinese and I’m beginning to believe him. My ears were really red and my eyes stung earlier today when I walked across campus. No sweat or heat here.”
Upon publication of this article, Hanson was seen entering the registrar’s office with a Major add/drop form.
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