Saint Peter, MN — Local Junior Tate Kreigel was observed at a party on Saturday night reportedly petting a cat in the corner. Known by his peers as “Creepy Tate,” at around 11pm he saw Trooper, the kitten in question, sitting in the corner confused by the loud noises. He had not yet spoken to another human being and he knew he wasn’t going to be able to work up the social energy required for at least another hour, so he focused all of his attention on befriending the being that will love literally anything that gives it food.
Creepy Tate then managed to pet Trooper the cat for a stunning forty-five-minutes straight.
Kayla Jennings, Trooper’s owner, didn’t seem to perturbed by the feline’s infidelity. “Trooper and I have a very… open relationship. To see him get pet by strangers at parties is totally not a big deal. Seriously, I’m cool with it,” she said, obviously trying very hard to be cool with it.
“I can’t even imagine the arm on that kid,” said Gustavus Track and Field coach Ben “Banjo” Sherman . “Someone with that kind of strength and tenacity would be an incredible addition to this team. Hell, he could probably get a starting position in any sport he chose.”
Local nerd Reilly Swanson had this to say of the event, “I’m obviously impressed by the general athleticism displayed, but Creepy Tate needs to be aware of how he upset the general ecosystem of the party. The cat is meant to serve as an oasis for the socially awkward at any party, but Tate was dominating the supply when demand was highest. My friends and I were given no reprieve from actually talking to others, and that’s just inhumane.”
Creepy Tate expressed that he had no plans of getting a cat for himself any time soon, as he is worried that it wouldn’t get along with his ferrets, Romulus and Remus.
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