SAINT PETER, MN – In an almost unprecedented metaphysical event, the year 2017 of the Gregorian calendar seems to be a continuation of the previous year, 2016. Despite worldwide efforts to leave a empirically bad year behind, it appears that the human race will continue to be met with the consequences of the last 12 months.
“I mean, I did everything I could. I made social media posts declaring that “the year from hell was #officially over”, I rejected the reality that I’m living in as a Midwestern American, I got blackout drunk on the 31st; but it still feels like I’m going to have to recognize that my life will not neatly divide into 12 month periods.” said Amanda Buckley of Cloquet, Minnesota.
Despite all scientific evidence pointing towards the contrary, it seems as if 2017 will be directly influenced and shaped by catastrophic world events that have occurred in the previous calendar year. During the first week of the newly minted year, reports have come in from multiple sources claiming that events such as the Aleppo surrender in Syria and the Russian hacking of the United States election continue to exist and affect global political and economic systems.
“I was really hoping that my New Year’s Resolution wouldn’t have to be 100 Nazi scalps. I mean, outside of the global spike in facism, I gained a fair amount of weight this past year. It would have been cool to devote my time to getting to the gym more and bettering myself instead of tackling the early events of World War Three.” said Morgan Sheppard of Lincoln, Nebraska. Sheppard was polishing a bayonet at the time of press release, stating that “they’re not catching me by surprise this goddamn time.”
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