Saint Peter, MN — After years of harassment from thousands of drunken individuals, the Gus Bus has decided to change its phone number in order to “better live its life”. While the switch is undeniably understandable, many rumors suggest that this is an attempt by the bus to live out one of its New Year’s resolutions.
“Yeah, I guess this is part of one of my resolutions,” said the four-ton automobile. “I mean I’ve surrounded -myself with a lot of aggression and stress in the past decade. I’m just sick of it, you know?” said the machine, speaking of course about the drunk kids who scream directions at the bus without considering its feelings.
“I get it,” said senior Joel Martin. “We’ve been rough on the old gal and now she is ready to switch things up. Can’t blame her really. I know I’ve gotten in a fight while riding her around. It’s probably pretty tough for her to put up with shit like that day in and day out.”
The mid-sized transit machine did admit to being uncomfortable about the number of fights it had to host while giving intoxicated underclassmen rides to various party houses. However, it also acknowledged other instances that ultimately led to the decision. “The fights are bad, but other things are significantly worse. It’s pretty damn disturbing to get peed and puked on. Kids climb on me, too. Also, one time this kid just sat on me and groaned for like thirty minutes. A real uncomfortable low groan. It sounded like a whale passing painfully away. It was severely unsettling.”
When asked about the decision to change the the bus’ contact info, Saint Peter Transit Director Helga Robinson had no problem discussing the issue. “Yeah, it’s a little beat up and it needs some space. That was the main reason it changed its number to (888) 880-4696. Oh, no I should not have said that.”
“What the hell? Did Helga give you my new number? She’s such a dick,” said the frustrated large automobile.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS