CAMPUS NEWS

Campus safety: “Campus is quiet…too quiet.”

SAINT PETER- After publishing a set of weekly incident reports, campus safety officer Vic Pascutti reportedly punched his fist through a campus vehicle’s bullet-proof window and said,”campus is quiet…too quiet.” Following the shitstorm of alcohol and substance policy violations during fall semester, J-term has been light with violations resulting in slow shifts and the fear of unemployment for officers.

“Look, earlier this year we had dorms at max capacity. Those losers down at Reslife screwed me over with no one off campus. I can’t believe the amount of overtime I put in just to prevent kids from vomiting in each others mouths” Pascutti reported.

Many of the calls made to campus safety this J-term have been false alarms. Yet, Pascutti is suspicious: “I know how kids work. They must be plotting a real rager here pretty soon. The only call I got last night was to fish out a rat that got stuck in a sink in Gibbs. I wrote up the rat for disorderly conduct, but I think something big is around the corner.”

With nearly two and a half weeks left of J-term, Pascutti made the decision to increase patrol times, do more random door knocks, and hired three more officer. “I’ve learned a lot serving in the Marines back in ‘91 during the Gulf War. When it’s quiet, we get ready to initiate Operation Desert Storm or how I like to call it: Operation Deserted Campus.”

Editor’s Note: Please refer to the Gustavian Weekly’s routine Campus Safety logs for more information.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS