PETER, MN — In an unexpected press release out of the Evelyn Young Dining Hall, Head of Dining Services Carl Patski has announced a new policy: “Pickles for Everyone!”

Starting in approximately two weeks, the dining hall will shift to a completely pickle-oriented menu. Upon entering the cafeteria, hungry students will be greeted by 5 new dining themes: The Pickle Rotisserie, The Pickle Grill, Chef Jack’s Pickle Place, The Pickle Wok, the Pickle Bar, and the Pickle Bakery.

“We wanted to really deepen the taste palette of the student body, and according to prominent contemporary research, pickles contain a complex flavor profile which will provide students with a better understanding of culinary and pickley arts,” said Patski.

“I have to say, I’m pretty pumped for the menu shift,” said Junior Sean Johnson, “I like what we have now, with the huge array of styles, but I think a concentrated focus on one flavor will give me a better connection not just with my personal flavor desires, but with the greater Gustavus community. Just how intimately have pickles affected us? Is there a pickle privilege? We will be able to answer these questions with the help of Carl and the dining crew.”

The change in menu will be aided by a mascot known as the Pickler, a seven-feet tall pickle with smaller pickles for fingers. As of now the position to play the part of the Pickler is still available through campus work study, but shifts are expected to be filled quickly. While it is not clear what the Pickler would say or do, a promotional video showed the mascot screaming “Pickles for you, and you, and you, and you. Hell, pickles for everyone!” while invading the personal space of nearly every student he interacted with.