SAINT PETER, MN — A civil war between two rival a cappella factions of the Gustavus Choir threatens to completely destroy the program itself. The long established, patriarchal G-Sharp group has been challenged by a rebel band of singers known as LeGACy. Despite the intentions of either side of the conflict, fear and despair have washed over the choir and has at least temporarily rendered it voiceless and defunct.
“I cannot begin to understand why the LeGACy thought it was a good idea to try and take power away from us? We’re just a bunch of dudes who like to sing and things were working out pretty well for the whole choir. Why would they do this to us?” wondered a visibly upset senior Ewan McBarrow, a de facto leader of G-Sharp.
In response, LeGACy representative junior Hannah Roads tore into G-Sharp’s quirky reputation. “Look, if we’re gonna sing without any instrumentals, we’re gonna take this shit seriously. For too long has Gustavus’ a cappella spirit been choked by tacky ties and sweaters. A new breath of change has come.”
Despite the horrors of this civil war, it is objectively true that both sides of the conflict are immensely talented. This is a fact that is not lost on the general public, most of whom love whatever either group performs. “I just love a cappella,” said senior Mandy Portman. “Those G-Sharp boys are so cute and funny and LeGACy makes the Pitch Perfect movies look a middle school choir concert. Both are so good.”
It is suggested that the only thing these two parties have in common is a distinct hatred for St. Olaf’s musical programs. “The Oles can go to hell,” said McBarrow. “Saint Olaf is the ultimate evil, but first we must conquer our own choir,” said Roads.
Yet, neither group is satisfied with any outside appreciation, or overly concerned with another school’s program. It appears as if both factions are set on claiming complete control of the choir’s a cappella crown, no matter the price.
At the time of this article’s posting, over ten thousand casualties have been caused by the war. Roughly a quarter of these casualties were due to individuals having no idea how to pronounce LeGACy’s name.
With the future of the choir looking bleak, one can take solace in knowing that whichever side triumphs in this bloody, carnal and choral war, the choir will be in exceedingly talented hands.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS