CAMPUS NEWS

Students Across Nation Celebrate Beginning of Last Semester of School Ever

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — As schools across the US begin the spring semester, students are excitedly celebrating the last semester of education they will have the opportunity to participate in. Many believe these celebrations are a result of Betsy Devos’ confirmation as secretary of education, but others suggest that the world could come to an end in a variety of different ways before Devos can implement her disgusting policies.

“Hey, we had a good run with this ‘education’ thing,” said Michigan University English professor Jasmine Rhoades. “My students are sad to see the concept of learning being abandoned, but are undoubtedly excited to send it off in style. I hope they at least have a good and safe time.”

“Yeah, it’s a little bit of a bummer I won’t be able to finish school,” said Iowa ninth grader Sam Jenkins, “At least I came close, though. In a few years nobody will be able to say that. I wish I could have gotten to some of those cool classes the juniors and seniors get to take though. Instead I got stuck with Mrs. Hambone for three of my classes this semester. Oh well, shit happens.”

“I’m sad the education is done pretty soon,” said first grader Aiden Baxter, perfectly displaying the grammatical rules this nation will soon accept.

While many suggest that private institutions will avoid any fallout from the surefire end of public education, Devos and a majority of GOP senators were quick to clarify their intent to dismantle those as well. “Private schools? Like, private colleges? Everyone hates the snobby little brats that come out of those liberal piles of garbage. A lot of those “schools” still teach evolution,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.

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