Local Girlfriend Way Too Into Fifty Shades Darker

SAINT PETER- Local student Mark Grumbacher released a statement this morning declaring that his girlfriend Anna Glitzen is “just a little too into that Fifty Shades Darker movie.” Darker is a sequel to the controversial and poorly-received BDSM romance Fifty Shades of Grey, and was released in theaters this past weekend for Valentine’s Day.  

“I mean, sure. I read the first one because she left it out on my nightstand for me. And I took her to the movie, because she really wanted to go. But now she’s started to drop hints that I just refuse to pick up,” said Grumbacher. He and Glitzen have been in a committed relationship for a year and a half. He continued to state that he had seen her re-reading the novel at least three times in the last month in anticipation of Fifty Shades Darker’s release, had gone to see the film twice in four days; and she had voiced thinly-veiled requests to reenact the porn heavy parts.

“I don’t think Anna’s thought this all the way through. A key difference I see is that instead of a beautiful and mysterious millionaire beating her, it would a five foot six Comp Sci major with thirty dollars to his name,” said Grumbacher.

Glitzen was unavailable for comment. When we reached out to her, she stated that she “was really tied up in something right now.”