Student Still in Optimistic Portion of Semester

SAINT PETER, MN — Towards the end of the second week of the semester, many students have realized that sophomore Jessica Patterson was still feeling pretty optimistic about the rest of her semester. Patterson seems to be one of the few students left who still feels as if the semester will turn out pretty well for her.

Experts suggest that Patterson’s younger age could be a factor in her impressive mental state, but a large portion of students think that after three semesters of collegiate study one should be fully aware of the impending stress and pain that will undoubtedly come for all students. “There is not a shot in hell this works out for her,” said sophomore Jeremy Sanders. “When is the last time a semester worked out for anyone? All of us get destroyed at one point or the other.”

Another factor in Patterson’s impressive optimism could be her incredible responsibility. The sophomore with an undeclared major gets no less than seven and a half hours of sleep a night, has a balanced diet, exercises regularly and very rarely consumes alcohol. “Who is this superhero? How do people live like that?” asked Sanders.

Additionally. Patterson is involved with the Peer Assistants, Proclaim, Gustavus Greens and the choir program. Experts suggest that these could all be agents affecting Patterson’s sublime outlook on life. “Who has time for just two of those things?” asked Sanders.

When asked how she keeps such a positive outlook on schoolwork and life, Patterson gave a little ground. “I don’t know if I have such a great outlook on life as opposed to stuff just tends to work out for me. I mean, I’m smart, rich and good at stuff. How could I get down about that?” said Patterson.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS