ST. PETER, MN — “I used to rag on Pittman a lot,” says first-year student Joel Filipek. “But right now I’m really missing having a bed. And a carpet. And heating. And food that isn’t twigs or dead leaves.”
Joel is covered in filth and reeks of stale sweat. He hasn’t showered in over a week and his diet consists almost exclusively of yard waste now. While this isn’t unusual for first-year students, Joel’s predicament is unprecedented. After falling into an unusually wide street drain, Joel has been trapped in the sewers beneath campus for the past few weeks now. Using the last of his phone battery, Joel contacted the Fourth Crown for help. Reporters conducted an interview by dangling a microphone down to him through a storm drain.
“I would have gotten out by now,” said Joel between mouthfuls of damp pine needles. “If it wasn’t for that cat who keeps grabbing everyone’s attention!”
Not long after Joel became trapped, an unnamed feline, dubbed “sewer cat” by bystanders, also appeared in the subterranean depths below Gustavus. Unlike Joel, the sewer cat has become immensely popular and well-known on campus. It enjoys widespread coverage on social media due to it’s intrepid nature and adorable feline qualities.
“There’s a guy trapped in the sewer?” said one sophomore located near where the sewer cat was last spotted. “Well, that sucks for him. Did you hear about this cat though? He’s so adorable! I’ve been following all his movements on Snapchat!”
In lieu of the sewer cat taking the campus by storm, Joel’s attempts to contact the surface for help have all been futile. Before his phone battery was drained, he made posts announcing that he was stuck on several different social media platforms. He was only able to get a few likes and shares due to posts about the sewer cat garnering much more attention. He’s tried going to wherever the sewer cat is at the moment, but this has only resulted in him scaring the creature away, thus causing the crowds aboveground to disperse.
The sewer cat could not be reached for questioning, but his Snapchat account can be contacted at “sw_cat18”.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS