USA Flag at Three Flags Replaced with the Gyro Flag

SAINT PETER, MN — Student members of ROTC stood at attention as Gustavus Dining Service Director Steve Kjellgren lowered the United States flag to make room for the patriotic and widely celebrated Gyro flag.  Senior trumpet player Dan Weston performed a sobering rendition of Taps, causing faculty and students alike to hide their watering eyes.

The decision to replace the antiquated American flag with a more progressive flag marked the start of a new era in the nation’s desire to proliferate a sense of nationalism.

Caked with blue and white face paint, Sophomore Elizabeth Curtis said “I think this is truly a step towards progress. If I had to point towards a flag that truly upholds the five pillars of Gustavus, I would undoubtedly choose the Gyro flag.”

The Board of Trustees and various members of the administration faced virtually no animosity over their choice to change the flag.

Longtime board member Roger Anderson explained, “usually any major decision made by the college takes quite a long time to process. For example, the decision to take the vines of off Rundstrom ended with a few broken noses and plenty of broken hearts. Yet, in the name of common decency, fellow board members and I could wait no longer.”

Senior Rob Longman expressed “I like when I see things that remind of good times. Man, I’m a longtime Gyro fan. Even if the line is by the dish room, I do my civic duty and wait. Nothing is better than a pita filled with veggies and mystery meat.It reminds me of why I love this goddamn country.”

It is unclear what the college wishes to do with the American flag. Rumors heard throughout the Gustavus community include displaying the flag in a local museum so future generations can muse over the ridiculous concept of liberty and freedom.

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