CAMPUS NEWS

Russian Club Interfered With Student Elections, Intelligence Report Says

ST. PETER, MN — Following a truly impressive shitshow of an election, Hubert and Solveig shall represent the interests of the student populace this year. However, a recent revelation from the administration has put a damper on the post-election elation. According to recently declassified documents, it seems that the Russian Club has interfered with the election’s results.

“We have reason to believe,” said the documents in question, “that members within the Russian Language Club have tampered with the election process.” The manner of tampering is unclear as of yet, but an investigation is underway.

Professor Crnkovic of the Russian department merely said “no comment” upon being questioned about the allegations.The Russian Club’s president, Jenna Hooper, could not be reached for an interview. Hooper’s reign has drawn criticism from various human rights groups for alleged abuses of power and always running out of blini at club meetings.

It is widely believed that the Russian Club bribed the members of the senate who were put on censure. However, there is currently no proof of collusion, but the administration is at least willing to cooperate with the investigation. 

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