CAMPUS NEWS

College Republicans Display Math Skills, Fail to Calculate the Worth of Women

college repubs letter

 

SAINT PETER, MN — In response to The Women’s March “A Day Without Women” national strike, the College Republicans have issued a strongly worded letter that condemned the cancellation of classes. To support their blatant disgust, the conservative organization layered the letter with rudimentary mathematical skills. Yet, despite their somewhat obnoxious demonstration of long division, the campus group failed to account for the worth of women.   

Sociologists have dubbed this phenomenon “Math-Splaining.” “Math-Splaining” is used to mask an individual’s inability to construct a coherent argument that doesn’t rely on misogyny or shock value.

“As the subservient vice president of the College Republicans and as someone who passed third grade math, it is beyond me how anyone could calculate the worth of a woman. Certainly, they shouldn’t be worth enough to justify the fight for their rights,” said junior student Jessie Drudge. When asked to further explain her logic behind condemning fellow women for their advocacy, Drudge responded with a loud screech and some vague scuttling noises.  

Many people have pointed out the irony of the College Republicans asking for “fair” compensation following this event when women have been doing so for roughly 50 years.

“I would say the average worth of a single day in class at Gustavus Adolphus College is about $54, and the average worth of a woman is dependent on how many male heirs she can bear.” said College Republicans president Nate  “I Am A Victim” Cruft as he burned a photograph of his own mother with a rose-gold Zippo lighter. “I only want the best for my fellow scholars, and I demand that the school shill out $50 each for every class I would have skipped anyway.”

Furthermore, the College Republicans have gained notoriety for being perhaps the only student group in history to complain about class being cancelled. “This is a unique phenomenon. Most students delight in classes being cancelled for just about any reason. I’ve seen students practically celebrate a death in a professor’s family. It is curious to see them complain under this circumstance,” said Dr. Brum.”One also has to wonder the ethics surrounding this complaint, when many students skip class on account of being hungover.”

At the time of press, President Rebecca Bergman was unavailable to comment, having taken the day off from work.

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