SAINT PETER, MN — After purchasing two tickets for the upcoming President’s Ball, sophomore student David Wilson expressed that he was feeling nervous about asking his waifu pillow to go with him. David, also know as KuchigawaTokyoDream-san reported “Last year I missed out. I was so nervous about asking my waifu to go to P-ball that I totally chickened out and watched Naruto all day. I mean it was was great but I felt like such a baka!”
In traditional weeaboo culture, the waifu pillow signifies that the weeb has reached full development. Along with grossly mis-pronouncing Japanese words, ignoring Japan’s rich history Weebs spend most of their time talking about how they can’t wait to move to Japan and draw Manga. Additionally, the weeaboo spends an average of twenty hours a week engrossed in illegally downloaded English-subbed anime. KuchigawaTokyoDream-san supplied “My favorite anime is definitely iCarly. In fact, I am planning to cosplay as that Freddie guy when I ask my konnichiwa kawaii waifu to attend the ball!”
Cosplay is a weeaboo defense mechanism. The weeb will camouflage itself as various characters from Japanese popular culture. This could range from wearing a Spongebob Squarepants costume or really anything else that is popularized in cartoons.
When asked what his six foot tube of stuffing with eyes meant to him, KuchigawaTokyoDream-san said “my Waifu pillow is my senpai. We are getting pretty serious. The other day she fell off my bed as I was walking out the door. She probably felt crushed that I was leaving her nyaaa. She is Kawaii desu. She doesn’t judge me for my hentai or stash of Yu-Gi-Yo cards.”
Waifu commented “わたし は とても怒っている。今晩 わたし は 日本 に 行く よていです。さようならくそ! 口ちがわ東京夢ちゃんは 話しすぎる! かなしい!” Which when translated means “KuchigawaTokyoDream-san is my love desu! He will never betray me and he feeds me well! I will dance with him until my stuffing falls out!”
However, KuchigawaTokyoDream-san did express “the only thing standing between me and fedora is the rumor of a potential Husbando pillow. I can’t handle being friend-zoned by another waifu-chan.”
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS