CAMPUS NEWS

Campus Cat Population Growing Exponentially Faster Than Student Population

SAINT PETER, MN — Despite the recent removal of Piper the Sewer Cat, a group of student statisticians have concluded that the population of cats on campus is growing at a much faster rate than the school’s student population, which has become stagnant.

“We’ve seen about a 400% increase in the number of cats on campus this school year,” said junior math major RG Sanders. “This is a pretty incredible rate of growth. To put this in perspective, the student population is slated decrease at roughly 3% from this year to the next.”

Many individuals delight in having the opportunity to interact with the feral to semi-domesticated animals, yet some students have complained about their presence. “Look, I know that adorable cat bit me because I ran up to it like a fool.” said senior Lukas Naylor, who recently had to get a rabies vaccine after being bitten by the Sewer Cat. “It doesn’t bother me that it bit me, it bothers me that it got to move off campus afterwards. Maybe if I would have bit more people I could have gotten a house this year?”

While a larger percentage of students have been forced to live on campus in the past few years, off campus options have become more available for campus felines. “I know one cat that just got to live at two or more houses last year. You know how many houses I lived in last year? Zero. I got to live in College View next to the garbage room,” said 2016 graduate Jenny Hopkins.

At the moment, human and feline relations are relatively positive. However, this growing housing-based animosity promises to further complicate the campus environment in the future. “If these trends continue, it will be hard to avoid interspecies conflict in just a few short years. Thank God I’ll be out of here by then,” said RG Sanders.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS