CAMPUS NEWS

College Republicans Pleased to Learn the Identity of their Cyberbullies

ST. PETER, MN — Upon updating their circa 1948 staff photograph, Gustavus’ Fourth Crown writers revealed their identity to the campus community. A slew of professional photographs now stain the new organization’s “The News Team” page. The change is timely as the writers have sunk to the level of cyberbullying select organizations to generate a couple of laughs. The College Republicans, in particular, felt heat from the news organization and some of its followers after the circulation of a stern letter requesting reparations for the suffering they felt on International Women’s Day.

President Nate Kruft said “The Fourth Crown is just part of the Cultural Marxist wheelhouse. They get their news from freelancers who haven’t even graduated from college yet. They used to hide behind an anonymous cloak so they could shit on others to gain a sense of self-esteem. Not anymore.”

Vice-President Jessie Drudge articulated “My organization is planning to send a strongly worded letter to President Bergman, requesting that the fake newspaper has to pay $54 to each College Republican who had their feelings hurt.”

The organization plans to use facial recognition software so they can wiretap the confidential Google Drive that the news organization uses to craft their debauchery.

With their sense of agency and independence ripped away, two heroic writers commented on their recent exposure.

Sophomore Writer Gub Blondeson expressed, “I definitely felt afraid when I learned my photo was going to appear on the internet. You see, I don’t have any skin. I just have muscles, tissue, hair, and some bones. I was unsure if the flash of the camera would further deteriorate my exterior.”

Conversely, other writers noted that they were not concerned about their body dematerializing. Rather writer George Ian said, “I like to target groups and make them feel sad. But now I feel sad because someone might send me a mean Facebook message or glare at me when when I walk past them.”

Other members of the Fourth Crown’s writing team were unavailable for comment as they had an appointment to shove conservative adolescents into school lockers.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS