SAINT PETER, MN — In a truly horrifying display of monstrosity, Campus Safety officer and troll Kurg murdered an innocent leprechaun in cold blood. Kurg then skinned the victim alive and wore its skin as a disguise.
The motive for the crime stems from what Kurg described as a lack of financial respect. The small humanoid communicated through a series of grunts and growls that he felt as though he was underpaid and that if he assumed the identity of the leprechaun he would be able to ascertain a pot of gold.
“Clearly this is a disgusting and somber moment in Gustavus’ history,” said President Bergman. “We love Kurg, but his future at Gustavus is now in question.”
Normally, it would be an absolute certainty that Kurg would be fired from his position, but given that it is nearly impossible to find people brave enough to deal with a small army of alcoholic college kids day in and day out, the school is weighing its options.
At the moment, Kurg is holed up in a library study lounge with the leprechaun’s remains. What is happening in there is unknown but undoubtedly disgusting.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS