ST. PETER, MN – Following the suspension of a number of local fraternities and sororities on the Gustavus Adolphus campus some unintended consequences have manifested themselves around the St. Peter area. For example, despite overall keg purchases going down, liquor stores are reporting some of their highest net sales of the year as the salty students of suspended organizations drink away the pain. In addition to an actual epidemic of alcoholism, the environment seems to be taking a hit as well.
Local adopted highways that would normally be cleaned regularly by Greek organizations are deteriorating. The surprising realization that these organizations might have been contributing to society comes as a shock to many. This includes Sophomore environmental studies major and hackey-sack enthusiast Bon Homer. “I never really considered that, in addition to doing stupid shit to themselves and each other, these students have been helping me. Unless people my age help fight the poisoning of our natural resources, I’m not going to have a job after I graduate.”
The Fourth Crown staff, using nothing but a string, a cardboard box, and a shot of Jagermeister, managed to capture one of the Greek students in the wild for an interview. The process did not start well as the shot seemed to give the student a feral energy. Nothing could be heard between the snarls and shouts of, “F%#@ admin. F@%# the hazing policy. And F$&# President Bergman. This is hazing!” After punching him in the face for talking about Becky like that, this author managed to get some worthwhile perspective from the student.
“You know, I don’t really mean to say that the administration is worthless. I don’t even really think that the hazing policy is all that terrible. I do have some problems with the way things have been investigated and I do think that I and my fellow students have some legitimate complaints, but at the end of the day my behavior before was not a rational or graceful response to the situation. I’ve just been lashing out because I feel that my social base is being threatened, and that is always going to be painful, no matter how good the intentions are.”
One perspective that has been largely ignored on campus has been that of the highways themselves. After reassuring one adopted highway that both the Greek organizations and the college administration still love it very much and reminding them that none of this is their fault, the road from St. Peter to North Mankato, a wanna-be Brooklyn native, managed to offer some context.
(Most of the meaningful or touching moments in the interview had to be cut down due to excessive profanity.)
“Aight, I’m not even gonna front right now. Do you know what it’s like to have cars drive on ya boy, like, 24/7. It ain’t tight, son. The only time they don’t is when it’s cold as tits out and I’m covered in ice and snow shit anyway. Ratchet.”
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS