CAMPUS NEWS

“Stay Away From the Arboretum at Night. It’s a Forrest of Sin and Sorcery,” Warns Campus Safety

ST. PETER, MN — The arboretum has been a cause of concern with the administration as of late. A recent report from Campus Safety has raised concerns that cults, warlocks and other malignant practitioners of the dark arts have taken up residence in the arboretum. A string of incidents in the arb, namely a recent one involving the sacrifice of one of the biology ducks to the elder gods, has led Campus Safety to step up their efforts in putting an end to malignant sorcery on campus.

“It’s really too bad what’s been happening here,” said an anonymous Campus Safety officer. “The arboretum is usually a nice place for students to walk around and relax in, but lately it’s just become a cesspool of sin and sorcery!”

“This is completely ridiculous,” said Jason Sotos, a junior wearing a black robe who frequents the arboretum at night. “Not all sorcerers are evil, man. Some of us- er, I mean some of them are perfectly friendly and practice nice schools of magic. Uh, not that warlocks are real or anything. Because they definitely aren’t! And I’m definitely not one myself!”

Campus Safety officers have begun to patrol the arboretum with chaplain Konkol at dusk, ready to do battle with any warlocks or witches they come across. Any signs of the magical arts being practiced elsewhere on campus are also being treated with suspicion. A number of students, some of whom were merely practicing innocuous styles such as geomancy, have been detained for further questioning. Besides the inquisition, Campus Safety has also advised that people wear protective sigils as to deflect harmful spells in case they are attacked by hostile magic-casters.

“I’m pretty psyched about how things are going,” said Jared Morningstar, a junior wearing a baja hoodie. “My friends and I like to hang out in the arb and smoke, uh… tobacco. Campus Safety has always bugged us about it in the past but now those magic dudes have taken the heat off. I would high-five that little duck who got its beak sacrificed to Yog-Sothoth… that is, if he were still around.”

President Bergman released a statement recently assuring the student populace that the situation was under control. She also stated that the administration does not disapprove of all kinds of sorcery, merely the harmful and shady kinds such as necromancy.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS