SAINT PETER, MN — Following a school year filled with the suspensions of the campus’ Greek organizations, legendary DEA agents Steve Murphy and Javier Pena have been dispatched to Saint Peter in an effort to investigate the three remaining Greek orgs.

Pena and Murphy made headlines for taking down the infamous drug lord Pablo Escobar in the early 90s, but have since set their sights on ending the reign of terror Greek life has had upon Gustavus Adolphus.

“Look we knew we needed someone big to help finish this job off,” said Greek Life adviser Keith Johannson. “It was easy to take out the crazier, more fun frats and sororities, but to get the boring ones… Well, let’s just say we need the best in the business.”

Members of the few remaining Greek orgs have shown little fear in the face of such giants as Murphy and Pena. “Let those bastards have a crack at us,” said Sydney Gerbers, president of Zeta Zeta Zeta. “We run such a clean operation that not even they can bring us down. We make Pablo Escobar look like a little bitch.”