CAMPUS NEWS

Study Finds The Fourth Crown is, Among Other Things, Mostly Illiterate

 

SAINT PETER, MN–After the first annual Fourth Crown Demographic Survey, a plethora of statistics have been made public. A sample of these statistics are published below.

 

90% of Fourth Crown Writers are Illiterate

“Oisadhg[oiws jjjj iaiaian :)” typed writer Ian M. After hours of careful consideration, translation, and interpretation, this quote is transcribed as “I don’t know who you are or what you are showing me.”

 

The Fourth Crown has a Demographic spread of 60% female to 40% male

“This is just well established. I don’t think it’s a secret to anyone, was this study worth the $300 we all had to pay? We have like 10 writers. Anyone with a basic math class could have told you this fact,” Writes Sophomore Adam B.

 

Senior Writers of the Fourth Crown Contribute a Fraction of the Overall Article Output

None of the senior writers could comment on this because none of them showed up to the weekly meeting.

 

We Are Not Alone

“I’m not sure how this helps us improve our workflow, or what exactly it is even getting at. Who is this conclusion directed towards?” Commented Megan, Junior Aquatics Studies Major.

 

The Fourth Crown Writers’ Academic Pursuits are Diverse, Reflecting a Wide Variety of Interests

“It’s true. The writers of the Fourth Crown span a wide variety of backgrounds, from Physics to Business.”

 

21 Pilots Made Their Best Work As A Band Early On And They’ve Been On The Decline Ever Since

“Did somebody give Adam access to this article? I don’t think anybody else would have written that. Well, whatever. He’s clearly in the minority on this one.”

 

80% Of Fourth Crown Writers Have Previous Experience In Either Speech and Debate or Theatre Arts

“Many on our staff cite previous performance experiences as influential in their writing and daily sense of humor.”

 

The Fourth Crown is Satirical in Nature and in No Way Reflects the Views or Opinions of Gustavus Adolphus College

“Okay this is just copied and pasted from the bottom right of our website. What’s going on here?”

 

At Least One Member of the Fourth Crown Enjoys Candy Bars

“Hard to argue with the stats on this one.”

 

The Fourth Crown is not Funny

“Fact,” all of the Fourth Crown writers said in unison.

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