St. PETER, MN – “I’m honestly not that surprised,” said Brian Pfeiffer, a former reader of the Fourth Crown. “If half of the stuff on that list is true, than it would certainly explain why the articles they write are hot garbage.”
It’s been a turbulent month for the Fourth Crown, if nothing else. Recently-declassified documents, published to WikiLeaks by an anonymous whistleblower, have revealed a number of disturbing secrets about the editorial staff. The list of allegations was long and varied, with a couple of the more colorful revelations involving misappropriation of school funds to purchase cocaine and ritualistic abuse of unpaid interns.
These are trying times for the Fourth Crown. The WikiLeaks revelation is the latest in a long line of scandals that have plagued the beloved and widely-read satirical magazine. 2016 was dominated by accusations of nepotism, embezzlement, sexual indecency, money laundering, ties to crime syndicates in Sweden, and a lack of creativity. 2017 has not been much kinder, with embarressing revelations coming forward regarding the personal life of Evan Jones, the principal editor, chief of which was the “Prairiegate” scandal. Although Jones and his fellow editors maintain that the photos of them inside the Prairie View sex dungeon were doctored, skepticism among the public still lingers.
As is often the case with these controversies, the authenticity of these claims has been called into question by the Crown’s official spokespeople. Evan Jones and the other editors have declined to comment on the illiteracy allegations. Whether this was because they had nothing to say or because they couldn’t read the email requesting an interview is unknown.
The identity of the whistleblower and the nature of the documents are still shrouded in mystery. In order to keep their identity a secret, such details were not disclosed. As of this writing, the whistleblower is thought to have been relocated by the witness protection program. Their Snapchat can be reached at “lg_108.”
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