CAMPUS NEWS

Satan Ranks Gustavus #7 in Overall Closeness to God

SAINT PETER, MN – After Sunday’s service, the Chaplain’s office announced that it had received a Facebook notification from Satan.

“Let me be honest and say that when I saw that Satan posted on our department Facebook page, I was a little worried,” said student worker Chad Bloomington.

Upon further investigation, it was revealed that the Facebook post was actually a link to Satan’s WordPress page, where he ranked the holiness of Christian private liberal arts schools in Minnesota. Along with the ranks of institutions that he felt were close to God, Satan listed an ultimatum at the bottom of the page. It proclaimed “If you go to these schools, you will not be invited to my birthday party, end of story.”  

Along with being a liberal arts school, institutions needed to have a few documented ghosts, a pointy and possibly lethal spire, and limited off-campus options for the rising seniors.

Despite receiving recognition from the literal commander of hell, which is supposedly bad in the Christian religion, the marketing office displayed eagerness as, “closeness to God,” could turn out to be a big selling point.

“I think I really misjudged Satan. It seems like he is a fair kinda guy that is just a little bit rough around the edges. Maybe he would like to grab a beer sometime,” said Senior Director Taylor Ashley.

Gustavus ranked # 7 on the list, beating out schools such as St. Olaf, Concordia, and even Saint Thomas, who certainly does not count as a Christian private liberal arts school.

“St.Thomas doesn’t even make the list. The dumpster behind the Caf is holier than they could ever dream to be. I bet most of them are going to Satan’s birthday party,” said Chaplain Roger Mores.

 

At the time of publication, it was still unclear whether or not a higher number was desirable.

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