Plotting Zoo Prepares Students for Evil Deeds

SAINT PETER, MN-  With the loss of millions of dollars and several deposits from incoming first-years, the Gustavus community faces humiliation after mistakenly booking a “Plotting Zoo” instead of the intended “Petting Zoo” to celebrate the last week of class.


The embarrassing miscommunication between the Campus Activities Office and the Print & Mail Services department prompted Activities Director Andrew Jones to send a formal apology to students and faculty members.

“Dear members of the Gustavus community, I am sorry to announce that the well-advertised ‘Petting Zoo’ will now be replaced with a ‘Plotting Zoo.’ I know this is a grave disappointment to many, especially those who take pride in identifying as a ‘horse girl’ and/or a member of the ‘furry community.’ Despite this mix-up, I have been told by many sources that the ‘Plotting Zoo’ is just as good, if not better than waddling around with some crabby ass goats.”


Upon further investigation, Fourth Crown investigative Journalist JM Jingles discovered that the goal of the “Plotting Zoo” is to teach bright minds how to take advantage of all their available resources to unapologetically get what they want.


Workshops at the zoo include:

  • How to make a freeze ray for that girl in your section who won’t stop bitching about AC
  • Words of Wisdom: how to live your life like Dick Cheney
  • Make tax evasion a vacation!
  • What’s next luncheon: how to plan for an awful future
  • Plot to pet your enemies….TO DEATH

At the time of publication, the Activities Director revealed that many famous villains plan to head each “Plotting Zoo” workshop, including but not limited to: Man Ray, Jafar, Lex Luther, Voldemort, and Martin Shkreli. 

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS