Gustavus and Saint Olaf Seemingly Locked in Racist Duel

Southern Minnesota — Following yet another racially motivated bias incident, experts have concluded that portions of the student bodies at Minnesota private colleges Gustavus Adolphus and Saint Olaf are locked in some sort of backwards-ass racist duel.

“Yep, these two schools seem to have taken their academic and athletic rivalries to a different, far more fucked up racist level,” said sociologist Gavin Heller.

When asked about whether or not schools that benefit directly from a student body that consists of over 80% white students, most of which coming from wealthy, privileged homes, could possibly breed a racist environment, Heller responded, “Oh, hell yeah. Totally. They do.”

The most recent incident is just the latest in a long line racially based hate crimes. However, it comes during a year in which individuals and groups at both schools infamously thought it wise to simulate hate crimes, thus bringing some level of doubt to the actual crimes that occur, such as this one.

“Yeah, obviously this shit still happens. Dumb white people are still dumb white people,” said junior Stephanie Jones.

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