CAMPUS NEWS

Congress Looking to Abolish Debates In Favor of Wrestling Matches

St. Peter, MN- A recent bill proposed by congressional Republicans would rid the legislative branch of any form of well-researched debate and would instead use wrestling matches between supporters and opponents to determine the outcomes of any bills being considered.

 

Dr. Christian Russel, a political science professor at Gustavus, explained the new system to us in layman’s terms. “Yeah, they’re pretty much going to cut through anything resembling an actual American political process and instead directly decide policy outcomes with tests of strength. By ridding themselves of any previous congressional procedures, they would ensure that even the bills with little support have a chance to make it through. From a house minority perspective, to stop the plan, you’ve gotta stop the man.”

 

Some prominent Democrats say that it was only a matter of time. They believe that politics in America has become such a spectacle that an actual WWE cage-match would be an improvement at this point. Others have been quick to point out that this bombshell of a change comes at a seemingly opportunistic time for Republicans because, in the words of Dr. Russell, “Montana just elected a f@%&ing beast of a heavyweight GOP representative. He decked a reporter and he still managed to win a seat in the actual United States Congress. If this change goes through, I don’t see anyone in the House who stands a chance against the Montana Madman.”

 

Republicans believe that his recent campaign victory has shown that voters want actual assault to play a prominent role in the political process.¬†Speaker Paul Ryan went on record saying, “The people are sick and tired of a government with checks and balances. We are done trying to make bi-partisan policies. We are done with boring meetings. We are beyond the time of weighing options. The only thing that you need to weigh right now is yourself so that we can put you in the right weight-class. Now, someone give this man a chair!”

 

This announcement also comes just after Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson indicated he will be considering a presidential run in 2020. One has to wonder if this change will lead any of his prominent rivals such as Stone Cold Steve Austin or The Undertaker to join the fray. In any case, get ready to rumble because only time will tell what we’re gonna do, brother, when “Hulkamania” runs wild on us all.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS