CAMPUS NEWS

5 Tips For When You Greet Becky

St. Peter, MN- We all know that meeting Becky for the first time is almost as terrifying as reading Frankenstein is boring. Luckily, our research team here at The Fourth Crown has done the math and come up with the 5 best tips so that you can greet our beloved president without looking like a dumb idiot.

 

#1. Always start with a high-five.

This is a really important place to start. Say you’re walking through the halls of the campus center with your friends when out of the corner of your eye you spot the goddess-on-earth Rebecca Bergman herself. It doesn’t matter how heated your debate about who has the best jazz hands has gotten, you should immediately stand at attention with a smile on your face and one hand in the air with your palm facing away from you. Since a stationary hand gives our redeemer an easy target, it’s best to just hold this position until she has made contact so as to make sure any social awkwardness will be avoided.

 

If she asks, do not deny her a down-low either.

 

#2 Avoid eye contact (unless you have nothing to hide)

It is common knowledge at this point that our queen of queens can see through your eyes into your soul, so if you’ve recently done anything impure such as “borrow” your roommate’s Netflix account or attend a dive dance it is probably best to keep your eyes down. It’s not like she would hold a grudge against you or anything, but knowing that Becky knows your sins will straight up ruin your week.

 

#3. Don’t call her back until the third day.

Often times Becky will offer you her phone number so that you can grab coffee and get to know each other better. While this may be the most exciting thing to ever happen to you during your comparatively ant-like existence, you have to demonstrate patience. If you don’t wait until the third day after to call her, she will decline any plans you try to make because she’s, “just too busy right now.” This author remembers a boy from their first year at Gustavus who couldn’t wait even five minutes before calling the number she gave him. The boy is still here, but nobody speaks to him anymore.

 

#4 If she is in uniform, only refer to her as, “My Commander.”

This is kind of a wildcard because Becky only appears in uniform when she has decided to send out troops, but on the rare occasion that you do see her proudly displaying her medals and formal attire, do not call her ,“Becky.” Do not call her, “queen.” Do not call her, “Bergman, Dragonslayer and Butcher of Flander’s Fields.” If you must address her, call her, “my commander,”  out of respect for her office and the burden that she alone can carry.

 

#5 Don’t act all embarrassed when she picks you up from soccer practice.

This might be the tip that I still struggle with most to this day. Imagine you’re hanging out with your friends after a sweat-filled practice out on the grass and suddenly you hear Becky repeatedly honking her horn and you see her waving at you from her Dodge Grand Caravan in the parking lot with a huge smile on her face. I get that it’s natural to want to be embarrassed by her excessive joy and love when you’re trying to look cool, but you have to understand that she just got off from a long day of being incredible at work, so she’s just really excited to see you. Cut her some slack. Your friends will totally understand if you take off at a sprint to give her the hug she deserves.

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