SAINT PETER, MN- The student organization, Gustie Greeters, are allegedly under a hazing investigation after six students came forward to share their harrowing orientation experience. As per tradition, members of the Freshman class are pressured to read a book during the summer before orientation. Tradition rules that neglecting to read the book results in a few lashes from the ol’ paddle, yet no living sources are able to comment.

Upon arrival to campus, the students are placed in an environment where they are continuously reminded that a book could either make or break their level of social popularity and their predicted academic success. For some students, this leads to emotional stress as they feel pressured to fit in with the Greeters who make it known that they read the book cover to cover.

This year’s Reading in Common text was selected because collecting body parts and/or indirectly aiding in the murder of your friends and family has a clear connection to reproductive justice. Frankenstein, a ubiquitous text often taught in high school received mixed reviews from both the Greeters and the newly arrived students. Second-year Greeter, Shawn BonJovi said “the book this year wasn’t even good shit, you know? When I was a Freshie, I had to read What am I Eating, Reading, and Wearing? by Dick Whiteman. Hazing? It was more like misting.”

Near this time last year, the Greeters and various Greek organizations faced hazing allegations. Dan JonEs, an administrator explains, “Yup, it’s that time of year again. We suspended some Greek orgs last year after we discovered they all sang songs and kidnapped each other. As for the Greeters? I was mortified to learn that smiles are required throughout all of orientation week. Now it looks like I will have to suspend the entire college, buildings and all,  to cover any legal loopholes.”  

Freshman, Sandy Hansen, was among the whistleblower students who felt negatively impacted from their orientation experience. She said, “Coming into college, I thought I’d have a regular orientation experience where I could google the plotline of a book, play the shoe game, and pray for puberty to come. When my Greeter started to ask questions about the book, I felt uncomfortable and I was forced to give a twenty-second speech about whether or not I actually liked the book.”

Perhaps the most compelling narrative comes from first-generation college student, Elliott Vanderbilt:  “Hazing can happen to anyone. When I first heard the term, I thought it meant that you do weed. But, I remember being at the Gustie Gear up in June. Some lady with a gold name tag said ‘here is your free book,’ and I honestly have not felt so attacked in my entire life.”

Greeters were unavailable for comment as they had a previously scheduled rouser to attend.