ST. PETER, MN – “In my defense,” sophomore Bill Mothersbaugh told us from his hospital bed in the burn ward. “That toaster was pretty hot. How could I not let nature take it’s course?”
The cause of Southwest’s recent fire alarms has finally been discovered. Originally attributed to a kitchen mishap, firefighters discovered something else entirely after seeing the smoke streaming from beneath Bill Mothersbaugh’s door. Within they found an unconscious Bill slumped over on the floor, the thick black smoke emanating from the toaster that his dick was stuck in.
While recovering at the River’s Edge burn ward, Bill explained to the press that he had been copulating with the toaster before passing out from the second degree burns he’d sustained. Although he was in severe pain and stoned off his ass on morphine, Bill agreed to speak with one of our reporters.
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” Bill said. “I barely have a social life. It gets lonely around these parts. Can you really blame me?”
“Artist’s rendition of the dick in question.”
“It was pretty dope the first few seconds,” Bill told us of the experience. “Upon reflection, I should have stopped when I noticed the pain. And the smell of burning flesh. And the smoke. That last one must have been what triggered the alarm.”
Although several photos of Bill’s charred member have emerged, obscenity laws forbid us from reprinting them here. One anonymous witness at Southwest likened the sight to “a burnt hot dog that fell between the slats on a grill.”
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