SAINT PETER, MN- Campus Safety received an emergency call after an incredibly strong smell of caf steak fries wafted from beneath a door in Prairie View. Upon investigation, campus security officials discovered sophomore Jonathan Hows drenched in red, sticky, and nauseating ketchup sauce. He appeared to have a dead body with him that he was using as a coat hanger.
Hows claimed that he invited his biology lab partner over to “watch some Netflix.” After initiating a polygraph test, Hows confessed that he confused the word “chill” and “kill.”
“I like my lab partner a whole lot. I heard that people have nice nights when they ask their friends to come over to watch Netflix. I truly thought that ‘kill’ came after Netflix. Now my friend is a ghost, but I’m glad that he hasn’t decomposed yet. His skin tastes like fries.”
Local police later made the connection that Hows bought twelve pounds of fries and ketchup to “entertain his guest.” It is still unclear why Hows was discovered drenched in America’s favorite condiment, ketchup.
Campus Safety officer, Taylor Landminer said, “Gustavus Adolphus College has an explicit policy that bans the misuse of popular slang and catchy sayings. Hows will be required to write a two-page essay in which he analyzes how lingo should not mingle with those who are fucking losers.”
Campus officials neglected to comment on whether or not Hows will receive punishment for premeditated first degree murder.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS