SAINT PETER, MN- First-year student Evan Morris reportedly sprouted two large eagle wings on his back during his 8:00AM Bible class.
Every year, thousands of first-year students around the nation grow a pair of wings in honor of their institution’s Homecoming weekend. The wings allow each first-year to go back to their hometown. Many bird experts describe the process as a non-lethal version of “bird flu.” Students overcome with homesickness may also grow a sharp beak in preparation of the hardships that Homecoming often brings.
Some smaller towns, like the village Morris hails from, hang banners around the local drug store or bar that say “Welcome Homecoming Students! We Are Glad that You Come Home!”
Morris, who neglected to hug his mother on move-in day, said “Oh Joy! I knew this day would come! With my recently developed eagle wings I can finally come home! Hopefully my ravaging appetite for snakes, birdseed, and small rodents will subside. Can anyone say indigestion?”
Senior Megan Knuttedson recalls her Homecoming experience as “ absolute hell” as she grew her wings during a class presentation. “My mom said that it is just a natural thing that growing bodies do. I’m still embarrassed about it. My wings pierced through my favorite shirt and my self-esteem.”
After the first-year students go home, it is tradition for each institution to hold a large sporting event to protect the sanctity of their ice-thin masculinity. Spectators usually cheer on the death and failure of the rival team. This weekend, Gustavus is scheduled to take on the sneaky team of “Hamlimed Unicyle Bee.”
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