SAINT PETER, MN- His Majesty King Carl XVI issued an ultimatum today declaring that the titles of Homecoming King and Queen be immediately dropped or the country of Sweden will officially declare war on the college. His Majesty ended the decree saying, “We let you have your own Senate because we thought it was cute that you believed you could govern yourselves, but to try to replace your rightful monarchs is an insult We cannot bear. The choice is up to you Gustavus; disavow your false idols and return to Our warm embrace, or face My wrath.”
In an interview Scandinavian Studies Professor Björn Falstrom seemed unsurprised by the outburst. “It makes sense that they would jump on this so aggressively. Sweden hasn’t been in a war since 1814. They’ve tried being the moral lighthouse for the international community, but the blood of actual Ice-Giant-Slayers courses through their veins. Something was going to slip someday.”
The declaration from King Carl marked a tonal shift from his usual soft spoken and often uplifting public addresses. “We shall burn your Arb and salt the fields of Big Hill Farm. We shall topple the steeple of the Chapel and hear the lamentations of your choirs as you are driven before us. Despair shall be your only companion and death shall follow at your heels!”
In an effort to broker a peace deal the United Nations has proposed a single duel in the Shakespeare Pit as an alternative that could resolve the conflict and save lives. UN Secretary General Sue Smith issued a statement saying that “the UN condemns this act of aggression on the Part of Sweden in the strongest possible terms. That being said, we get it, sometimes you just have to blow off some steam. Boys will be boys, right? Everybody needs a little war once in a while.”
It is unknown who will play the role of champion for Gustavus at this time, but Séances and offerings around the statue of Gustavus Adolphus indicate that some on campus are trying to call upon his ancient power to return and save the school in the time of its greatest need, as the prophecy foretold.
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