CAMPUS NEWS

Local Petting Zoo Llama Enrolled for Class of 2022

SAINT PETER, MN-  Following this past week’s successful sport cult worshiping ceremony, Gustavus’s Office of Interspecies Admission and Advancement proudly announced a new addition, Llaura Spittman, to their growing list of prospective students for the class of 2022.

“We always look forward to large events like this one, they draw a great deal of attention to our… more unique campus environment,” Director of the OIAA and liaison to the Animal Kingdom, Angus Beeves said. “Gustavus has always prided itself on Animal-Human inclusivity, and our enrollment rate shows that.”

Spittman attended this past weekend’s festivities as a member of the touring alt-pop music group, The Petting Zoo, where she entertained the raving masses with eclectic music and physical comfort. She had not expected to become enamored by the authentic college experience.

“I have to be honest, I really wasn’t considering a higher education,” Spittman said. “But there was something about the allure of ‘BEAT ‘EM, BUST ‘EM! THAT’S OUR CUSTOM that really got me energized for the rigors of collegiate learning.” Spittman hopes to major in music, with a focus on music therapy. She also looks hopefully toward her time on campus, particularly her dream role as a Peer Assistant.

“There is something really satisfying about being able to help someone overcome their hay-biting stress. I get it, I’ve been there,” Spittman said. “My touring group, The Petting Zoo, has always advocated for mental illness awareness and support. Half of our troupe are a bit birdy themselves. I think that experience really helps us connect with our peers who have stress or need someone to talk to.”

Not all members of the on-campus community are as excited for Spittman and her peers to join the class of 2022 in the fall. “I just don’t see the appeal of entering a learning, living, or social environment with actual animals,” Sophomore Syliva Swallow said. “There is something inherently wrong with having a llama in the classroom. They’ll be a distraction to other students, all they’ll be able to think about is touching that llama fuzz. I couldn’t imagine trying to earn a decent education like that. Next there will be Canadian geese on the hockey team.”

Gustavus hopes that Llaura’s attendance will inspire other farm animals to seek higher education.

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