CAMPUS NEWS

Top 5 Nobel Facts You Will Recite to Make Your Friends Think You’re Smart

SAINT PETER, MN- As the Nobel Conference comes to a close, it is time to reflect on the important lessons that Nobel has taught Gustavus. More importantly, it is time to figure out how to capitalize on them and make your friends feel inferior. There is no better feeling than making those closer to you recognize that you are the group Alpha. So, here are the top five Nobel Facts that you can recite to make your friends think you’re smart.

#1. Conceiving a child to George Michael’s Careless Whisper will insure genetic perfection in the offspring.

It’s finally been confirmed, every single time two people have intercourse to Careless Whisper the child that is conceived will be genetically perfect. Be careful with this knowledge though, as speakers warn that the offsprings will become “bathed in an heavenly light” and “know the secrets to life, death, and the universe.” Whatever the chances of accidently giving birth to a multi-dimensional messiah, many Gustavus students this weekend shall find that their guilty feet will get some rhythm.

#2. Every person with green eyes can summon Satan.

While it has been speculated for some time, Gustavus students can say for certain that green eyed people can summon Satan at will. There has always been some cause to believe that these people have been warriors of the devil, but hearing it said by a panel of scientists brought a sense of closure to the audience.

#3. What the birds and the bees actually means.

During a Q&A panel, speakers were asked to describe what the phrase “the birds and the bees” means literally. After an hour of debate, the panel of experts came to the conclusion that the allusive phrase that has been used to describe sex to children, was in reference to when a bird and a bee Netflix and Chill together.

#4. By the year 2024 scientists will be able to make everyone X-Men!

That’s right, by the year 2024 every person will be able to have their genetics altered to become X-Men. You will be able to chose your power and cool nickname to fight awesome bad guys with dark pasts. Free telepathic powers for the first 200,000 recipients.

#5. The Mutant Apocalypse is scheduled for 2025.

Scientists give it about a year before those who do not turn into mutants will violently kill off every new mutant. 2025 is farther away than  we expected as ignorant people have always fought against something they didn’t understand, but the years is still only an estimate.

With that brief refresher of the highlights from the 2017 Nobel Conference, you can now go ahead and impress all of your friends with your super cool reproductive technology knowledge. Have fun, and listen to George Michael responsibly.

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